Posted in Good Things, Word Therapy

Saturday Morning Cartoons: Social Media Weariness

My phone has this new shaming feature. Every morning when I wake up and decide to scroll through Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter, it first lets me know how long I averaged on my phone the day before. I won’t scare you with the details but let’s just say I have no business telling my kids to get off their electronics. And if I am being honest, I am tired of waiting for good news to come of the U.S.’s current political state (Twitter), of looking at people’s lives that make me feel like I am a failure in all aspects of my life (Instagram), and waiting for people to care about what’s happening our country (Facebook). The following brought me some happiness this week. 

Detective Pickachu trailer

I am pretty sure I rolled my eyes when I heard this was being made. But when the trailer premiered this week, it surprised the hell out of me. I love Ryan Reynolds and Justice Smith. And all the cute Pokemons! Yes, I am excited for that other animated feature but I loved to be surprised.

Taron Egerton being trained for Robin Hood

I don’t think we really need another Robin Hood film, especially with Ben Mendelsohn as the bad guy. But this video of Taron Egerton as Robin Hood being trained by Lars Andersen has peaked my interest.

Over the Garden Wall series

This animated series can be found on Hulu and came out in 2014. Recently an author I follow on social media recommended it and I decided to give it a shot. Each episode is it’s own little story of brothers Wirt (Elijah Wood) and Greg (Collin Dean) as they try to make it back home after getting lost. It is creepy, sweet, and weird. My husband and I loved it.

Widows

Just saw this yesterday and I was vibrating when I left the theater. It has a heist, a love story, political corruption, and action scenes that will leave you jarred. I told my hubby before I saw it that I imagined it as a female Heat. But I think it might have been even better.

I hope you find passion and happiness this weekend!

Posted in Calming the Voices, Not Today Anxiety, Wellness, Word Therapy

Today

Last week marked the one year anniversary since I started taking Prozac. I have changed so much in that time. My brain before Prozac was the house that lay dormant with sheets covering all of the furniture. Prozac has gone around and turned on all the lights, removed the sheets, and aired it out by opening the windows. The more sunshine that comes in, the more I feel myself. I feel as if the parts of me that needed fixing are starting to mend. I have more patience, I am more open, and I am not beating myself up on a daily basis. When anxiety starts to build up I am more often than not able to reign it in.

It’s exhausting being defensive and thinking that when a friend, family member, or even a stranger acts negatively towards you that you automatically think you did something wrong. But I did just that for 42+ years (and honestly don’t know how I’m not taking a nap right now). Having that disappear gives me the opportunity to be empathetic. I’m taking my time back and using it for more positive things. Prozac and mindfulness have done that for me.

Social media is still and probably always will be a struggle. There are days where I want to share my life, good and bad. I want to engage with others, other days I just want to hide from it all so I can’t be judged (which is mostly coming from inside my own head).

I want to be an author first and always. I have focused on getting through my anxiety by writing. When I get overwhelmed with mindfulness, putting thoughts down on paper has helped. But I also have felt selfish and self centered by writing about this. Who am I to play the victim and be sad about life? But ultimately I have realized I needed to go through this to come out on the other side. I sometimes still feel alone in my feelings. Prozac has taught my brain that is not the case but my heart still feels different. I am not pushing for a change of heart as I know that wall will become even stronger the more my brain tries to huff and puff it down. It will change in time and that will have to be enough.

The Should and Shouldn’t Have families are starting to wear out their welcome as I am putting on my pajamas to give them the hint. Just in the last few weeks I have started asking, “Well, why can’t I do that?” or “Why do I have to do that?” It sounds so corny and cheesy but I am starting to like myself. It’s a foreign feeling for someone who is constantly thinking of new ways to improve herself. I definitely should have sought help sooner but strangely I don’t have any regrets. I am just so happy that I finally feel “normal.”

I have learned that my emotions will change day to day. One day I will feel on top of the world, ready to accomplish anything. Others I will be frustrated with life and feel like I will never achieve anything. I know I am not alone in this and that in itself is huge. Now I can focus on finding the strength to keep going. I know I can write a book that will be successful. It’s holding onto that thought day in and day out, that is my goal.

I don’t know if I will change anybody’s mind about mental health, but getting the help I needed has been life changing for me. Thank you for reading.

Posted in Word Therapy

Social Media Fail

A couple of weeks ago I posted pictures of a hill that I was trying to conquer on a bike ride. I showed an uphill and a downhill shot. I followed it with a poll of which direction did followers think I took. After about an hour nobody had voted. And with that simple post, my anxiety was triggered, I deleted the post, and my “I don’t give a fuck” attitude took the kids to her sister’s:

As a writer I know in order for my book to succeed it can’t just be good. I have to be marketable. In order to be marketable, people need to know who the hell I am. That means accumulating followers. I recently made my Instagram profile public. Since then I have watched the number of my followers go up and down. I’m not the person who is going to follow you just because you followed me. Before the biking post I was doing stories the required three times/day. But when people start skipping the rest of your stories and don’t even vote in your polls, your feelings get hurt. You want to create entertaining content. You have to keep that “this is who I am, for better or worse” attitude. But sometimes those voices in your head become so loud that it is hard to ignore them and this is what your brain looks like:

Facebook is a whole other monster. I don’t accept a lot of friend requests because that has blown up in my face (knowing that you are a Trump supporter makes me just want to delete your friend request or unfollow you if we are already friends and I don’t have the patience to deal with the drama that comes with deleting you). As for Facebook’s security and their hand in the 2016 election, I honestly am not all up in arms. If you believed the fake stories that were being peddled during election season and that was enough for you to vote for dumbass in chief, WELL:

And let’s be honest. Facebook is not for millenials using social media. It’s for generations like mine who use it to post pictures of their kids for the grandparents, stay in touch with friends and family you don’t see in real life, and post cute animal videos to your spouse’s/best friend’s page.

Twitter is the social media platform I go to when I want to feel overwhelmed and stupid. I can barely come up with a succinct 280 character tweet and people are out there doing threads with 10+ tweets. Here’s my thought process when I try to tweet:

“Nobody cares.”

“Somebody’s going to try and argue/troll you and then you’re going to cry.”

“Oh forget it.”

So basically I am in the middle of a temper tantrum about not being popular on social media. I have calmed down a bit since the bike meltdown but right now it is doing more harm than good. Writing lifts me up and gives me confidence. I know I will eventually go back to posting like I used to. But that whole “nobody likes you” feeling is still strong, even if I know it’s irrational.

How do you feel about social media? Are you a dedicated poster? Or do you just like to browse and like?

Posted in Wellness, Word Therapy

Happy Mindfulness

Today I turn 43. Not a special birthday. A day where I think about all that has happened since the last April 12th and the changes my family and I have been through. So much changed for the better in this last year. We are back at home, I can say with confidence that I am a writer, and I feel the most settled than I ever have.

Mindfulness is definitely the word I would use to describe this year. I’m learning more why I act the way I do and the actions of others around me. I stop and think more, which has made me a better parent and wife. I take life one day at a time with a lot of letting go and deep breaths. It has brought peace to my soul that wasn’t there before.

It is easier to be grateful these days. I appreciate the outdoors when I walk my dogs, go on Sunday bike rides with my family, and sit in my backyard and write. Listening to music helps me to sit still and relax.

I am taking a hold of aging and attempting to be graceful. I got bangs to cover my forehead wrinkles but I don’t think I can rock a beard like Keala Settle to cover up the jowels. I refuse to subscribe to the thinking that I should dress according to my age and wear what I love, jeans and pop culture t-shirts (with a little bit of preppy thrown in). I haven’t found the perfect Mrs. Roper’s muumuu yet but I will track down that unicorn.

My brain tries to sabotage me weekly. It seems the harder I work to overcome my obstacles, the louder the negative feelings become. But I know that these are only temporary and will pass.

I don’t know if my writing has gotten better. I have become more truthful, which is just as important to me. I have found my process. I have worked my way past the voices that tell me everything I write sucks, and just write what it is I need to say. I know I am going to have to read a piece at least five times and edit the hell out of it before I can feel satisfied with it. I feel freer to write and the judgment I imagine that is forthcoming is not as scary.

I write this blog to process what I am going through. I want others to be able to understand what somebody with anxiety is going through. Or maybe they see themselves in a post. The more people I interact with those that have anxiety, the less alone I feel. Social media (particularly Instagram) has helped with that. And sure, I would love to have followers in the thousands. But it is also exhausting to make yourself relevant in this world. Going viral, using the allotted 25 hashtags, and following someone back because they follow you are all tricks of the trade but once you are in the spotlight the question is for how long?

I have accepted that when I have highs they are in the sky and when I have lows they are below the ocean bed (Kind of like this post). Prozac has brought me closer to the middle and given me balance. I also think feeling at home has been a factor. Happiness is achievable and I intend to keep running towards it.

Please celebrate my birthday with me by reading about and/or donating to

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/#sm.0006isoco1aj1es6wm62lmqtzuku9

https://www.aclu.org/

https://everytown.org/

Thank you!

Posted in Pop Culture

Women Crush Wednesday: Angela Kinsey and Busy Phillips

Angela Kinsey is an actress that played Angela Martin on the American version of The Office. Busy Phillips is an actress that was on Cougartown and Freaks and Geeks. I loved the shows they were on. They are both moms who live in Los Angeles. But these women are my crushes for their Instagram stories. It shows their actual personalities and gives an in depth look into their lives.

Angela is a working actress who is most famous for her role on The Office and is currently on Netflix’s Haters Back Off. I started following her on Instagram last summer after I read about her wedding to actor Josh Snyder. I was delighted to find out that she is the exact opposite of her character Angela. She is sweet, bubbly, and funny. Her stories consist of her flying back and forth from the Vancouver set of her show to her home in LA, spending time with her family, going to her favorite store Target, and hovering over the doughnuts at Craft Services. She even made somebody tearing her Eddie Bauer jacket while she was walking around Vancouver an endearing story that lasted a few weeks. And her best friend is Pam herself, Jenna Fischer. She is just a mom who loves her family and job that happens to be famous. She is relatable.

I discovered Busy on Cougartown. The show was silly but cute. Busy’s character was ditzy and always wore lively outfits. I followed Busy on Instagram because of the show but realized how cool she was when she started doing the stories. Her wardrobe is hipster chic, her nails always make me want to run to the salon, and her hair is always Coachella worthy. She does stories of her working out and sweating so bad I feel the need to workout harder, hanging out with pals Danny McBride and Colin Hanks, and going on a Disney cruise with her family for her parents 50th wedding anniversary. Most recently she was honest about how disheartening it was that her pilot for NBC didn’t get picked up. She is herself in a way that is refreshing for an actress who has been in the business for 20+ years. Add the fact that she is best friends with mega actress Michelle Williams and it doesn’t get much cooler than Busy Phillips.

Angela Kinsey and Busy Phillips are both hard working moms in the entertainment industry. They live their lives on social media so fans can catch a glimpse of their world. Their lack of self consciousness while showing their daily lives is something to look up to. It makes you feel as if they could be your friend.

Posted in Pop Culture

Friday Favorite (aka Where I blabber about what I love): Catastrophe and Kingsman: The Golden Circle

I’ve had one of those weeks where I feel like I am over sharing on social media (started doing Instagram stories and I’m obsessed) and that my blog posts are just shit. I tell myself to move forward and that since I have really focused on my blog I have gained 100+ followers (Hi New Followers!!). They say write what you know. I know and love pop culture. Today I am excited about two things: Catastrophe, an Amazon series and Kingsman The Golden Circle, a film.

Catastrophe tells the story of Sharon (Sharon Horgan) and Rob (Rob Delaney). They are a married couple who stayed together after having a fling and Sharon became pregnant. Rob is an American who moved to the UK to be with Sharon. They are loud, rude, and not great people. And that makes them 100% relatable and hilarious. They don’t hold back when they are talking to each other and as a person who doesn’t have a filter I can’t get enough of their conversations. They have friends who are so weird that it makes them look normal. The sadly departed Carrie Fisher plays Rob’s mom and she is brash and narcissistic. I love this show because it shows the imperfections of marriage where the couple still love each other (I could hear the groans of the characters as I wrote that). Season 3 premieres today and I am going to try and not watch all of the criminally small amount of episodes (six) this weekend.

My apologies Mr. Bond, but I prefer Eggsy. Kingsman The Golden Circle arrives September 22, 2017. It is the sequel to 2015’s Kingsman: The Secret Service. It is based on the comic book by Mark Millar and Dave Gibbons (Kick Ass) . It is about a secret group of spies that bring in Eggsy (Taron Egerton) to make him one of their own. They then take on an evil genius (Samuel Jackson) who wants to control the world with his technology. It is cheeky and has action that is equal to, if not better, than a 007 movie.

The trailer for the sequel hit Tuesday and I was on a high all that morning after watching it (over and over again). We see Eggsy’s evolution, even cooler weapons than the last time, an underwater car, and explosions galore. They take everything away from our hero (have I mentioned it’s Eggsy?) to give him a reason to kick some ass. Their use of Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” almost makes me forget that Orange Asshole Face used it at his joke of an inauguration (almost). There are hot blondes and a cowboy (Channing Tatum). And it doesn’t matter how awful the hair cut is or how ugly the glasses are, Halle Berry is still beautiful. And the finale gives us a certain someone wearing an eye patch that made me squeal with glee.

I hope you have a go to list of things that make you happy and you get to enjoy them over the weekend. Thanks for reading!