I forgot to take my medicine yesterday. Woke up today feeling like I had cried all night: tired, puffy eyes, and ragey. The tears want to flow and I have no self control to stop them. Anger at the world is taking up so much space in my brain that I am starting to forget things ( I would tell you what but I can’t remember what those things are). I want to stop watching the news but want to stay informed. I want to encourage people to vote but don’t have enough followers on social media to feel like I will be making a difference. It’s become harder and harder to stay focused. A thought pops in my head and is gone in an instant. The demon voices are louder than the “it’s okay” voices. With my phone in my hand I just keep scrolling with no willpower to just put it down and walk away. This feeling of mania sucks the energy out of me. The walls are inching closer and closer and I am too tired to stop them. I want to give up on writing and take a nap. My nerve endings are at full attention, daring to be battled with as another form of punishment. Music only illicits two kinds of emotions: sadness or annoyance because it’s too much. I am that cartoon where the character walks around with a cloud over its head and a sourpuss face.
I hold my head in my hands for a period of time. I pick up my phone. I read a chapter of the book I am currently reading. The cloud is now impairing my vision. I am exhausted. The rollercoaster of emotions is taking it’s toll but my stubborness tells me to keep writing. I feel like I have nothing of substance to say. At this point I am just spewing verbal diarrhea.
15 minutes later
I have taken a breath. I feel brighter. Watched a funny video on the internet. Feel motivated to write with a plan. Sitting up straighter. Did some internet retail therapy browsing. Ready to dive back in. I know that I can only count on today. Tomorrow is something I can’t control so I let it go. Still feeling tired and not 100% focused. Will breathe until I get it right. Will cry if I need to.
This was all in the span of one hour this morning. It didn’t help that I didn’t make my medicine. But when this storm of top to bottom emotions come on, all I can do is ride it out. I have to repeat, “it will be okay.” Most of the time I believe it. I won’t stop saying it. I will try and be kind to myself. I will not stop being vocal about the injustices of the world. I won’t allow myself to give up even when my brain tells me that all hope is gone.
I am going to go eat a piece of chocolate. Be kind to yourself and others on this World Mental Health Day. We owe it to ourselves if we are going to win this battle. Sending you love.