Back at home. A house, while smaller, has character and a tranquil backyard (my kids are so tired of hearing about the character of Fullerton houses but I am in serious architectural hog heaven). There are so many places we want to visit in the OC that I have to keep reminding myself that those places aren’t going anywhere and neither are we. And for the first time in I don’t know how long, I’m not stressed about bills. That is when the voices start to close in and try to sabotage my brain.
I have had a good life. I grew up in a nice home, have loving parents, and was never really told no. In adulthood I met the love of my life and we have two great kids. But I also grew up feeling less than, was bullied relentlessly, and never felt pretty. My husband and I have survived hard times but they have left their mark. They put me in the lowest place I have ever been. Those times made me stronger, weaker, and made me appreciate what I have. But it also introduced me to my greatest fear: a feeling I never want to revisit.
These days I am the manager of our household, making sure everybody is taken care of and is getting what they need from their life. That ranges from making sure hubby is getting the time to study calculus after work, to the kids having an after school activity to work out their energy, to Oscar getting his daily walks to stretch his old legs. I exercise, write, clean, and read. I of course always want more time to write but how can I complain? I know how lucky I am.
Then I start to hear, “This can’t last. Happiness doesn’t stay. The happier you get, the harder you will have to fall. Before Prozac those thoughts would make me believe I was alone in this feeling. I now know that isn’t true. But Prozac hasn’t chased away the “happiness is fleeting” thoughts.
I’ve never considered trying to calm or manage those destructive thoughts before. Being rational wasn’t an option and all I did was let the panic take over. I know I can only control so much and the rest is life telling me who is in charge. Deep breaths, being responsible, and continuing to work hard is my new way of combating the negativity. And try not to be so hard on myself because I have recently learned a lesson: Being nice to myself is not only good for me, it is also good for the ones I love. Such a hard lesson to learn and continue to believe. I feel like I have to train my brain like writing it on a chalkboard over and over again.