Word Therapy

Stepping Down

 

Having it all: A good job that is fulfilling and decent paying, a happy family, and just being satisfied with life in general. Ever since my daughter was born 10 years ago, I can honestly say that even though we have had our troubles, our family life has been a good one. I adore my husband. He is my best friend, my love, and still makes me laugh 18 years in. My kids are great. Hubby hasn’t been out of work since we left Arizona and even though we don’t live an extravagant life style, we don’t want for much. My current role is being head of the household. I plan all meals and shop for them. I clean the house, daily and weekly. I volunteer for the kids’ school and make sure homework is done and signed for. If they seem to be having trouble in any aspect of their life, I’m all over it. Talks with them and/or no electronics are punishment when necessary. I exercise five days/week to be healthy for them and myself. I love being a wife and a mom. But with medication, exercise, and meditation comes clarity. I want more.

I have been writing on and off for 10+ years. I start and then stop. I let life get in the way. I tell myself household and family responsibilities can only be done by me, which translates to I want it done my way. I worry that if I don’t spend more quality time with my significant other, he will leave me (anxiety is a bitch that way). I fear my kids will fall behind in school if I’m not on top of them to get their stuff done. I stress that my house will be a total mess if I don’t follow the schedule I have set for every day. As I am writing this I realize how tight I have the reins. And in order for me to finish that book I have been writing in my head for years, something else has to give.

Official Notice to the Wilson Household: It has been brought to my attention that I do a lot of work around our home. I clean, cook, shop, and make sure everybody is living a comfortable life. Your needs are my needs. You want something specific for your lunch? I will buy it. You want a particular deodorant? Got it. You need help with a homework assignment? Done. I love you all. Some days I live for you. But mom/wife needs time to be Stephanie. It is time to fulfill a part of me that is ambitious, creative, and hard working. I suck at asking for help. But if you will assist me, I can get better at it. And in turn, you can feel good about helping somebody you love achieve a life goal.

Do I think it is possible to “have it all”? Hell no. I’m always going to put my family first, even as I let go. But bringing myself closer to the front will fulfill me and bring me happiness and pride.

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