Angry Kitty from Lego Movie has been my spirit animal for the majority of my life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0PU5cdvgko
I am short tempered, impatient, and very sensitive. I was unhappy and depressed. And when I started to near 40 a few years ago, it dawned on me that it was okay for me to be happy. I had some breakdowns in family relationships and friendships end. I started to believe that not everything was my fault. On my 38th birthday I went out and did 38 good deeds. That felt good. Ever since then I try to go out of my way to be nice every day. A smile, saying good morning to a stranger, and opening the door for others. I’ve also known been known to go up to women and compliment them. That is my FAVORITE. When my family and I were at LACMA a while back, there was a lady that had on the brightest and most fun outfit. I told her that the outfit made me happy. She thanked me and said she started dressing for her little boy once she had him. How sweet is that? That conversation made me feel good for the rest of the day. But full disclosure: being happy takes work.
Even though I was able to tell myself that I was allowed happiness, I knew I would have to make it happen on my own. I exercised, wrote, ate better, and even tried meditation. That helped but my emotions were still up one minute and down the next. I had also been diagnosed with an ovarian tumor which required me to be on birth control. And because of the hormones in the pills, I felt even more up and down, with no in between.
I should have gone to the doctor’s. But I have an aversion to doctors. Right after I had my 7 year old son there was a lot of upheaval in my life regarding my husband’s job and our living situation. Stability was not a factor. I went to the doctor’s for a physical. The doctor asked me during the appointment how I was feeling. I said not good and depressed. He responded by saying, “I can fix your chin for you. Give you an implant.” I was stunned into silence and didn’t bother answering. Fast forward a few years and I am having another physical with a different doctor. My son was being a little bit of a devil. The doctor was trying to tell me some stuff while I was trying to control him. The doctor lost his patience and informed me that I should probably get a babysitter next time. Thanks for the tip, DOCTOR ASSHOLE. And my last trip that I will bore you with involves me seven months ago, having the worst case of bronchitis that I have ever had (I was having panic attacks brought on by not being able to breathe). The doctor asked me if I smoked. I said no. He said, “Are you sure?” So yeah, doctors in my area can kiss my ass.
In May my husband suggested I try some over the counter medication. He gave me some suggestions and they included fish oil, a multivitamin, and a mood enhancer. The mood enhancer was natural, which made me comfortable. And within a few weeks I felt better. These were just some of the ways:
Day to day inconveniences roll off my back
Deep breaths actually work
I am not as hard on myself which means I am not as hard on my loved ones
Social situations (where I normally replay every mistake I made over and
over in my head afterwards) are a lot less stressful
5 months have been passed and I can’t believe I went so long without taking them. They haven’t solved everything but now I have that voice in my head who tells me it will be okay. It’s a nice balance to the voice that is constantly telling me I can’t do it, that there is something wrong with me, and it is all my fault. But now I have the ability to focus on the positive and not let all the negative rule my thoughts.