After I did my research on Transcendental Meditation, it was time to take that information and put it into action. I decided to tackle a five day trial period to see how it went and journal the results. Here’s what happened:
When I first sit down on my side of the bed, I try to make myself as comfortable as possible so I am not focusing on the physical limitations of my body. I take a lot of deep breaths. I close my eyes, which leads to my first thought: True meditation is going into a state of peace like Luke, Leia, and Han Solo go into hyperspace on the Millenium Falcon (No, seriously). I pictured the word I had chosen as my mantra whenever I felt my mind wander. I would imagine a mini me in my mind, trying to sweep out the unnecessary thoughts. I kept telling myself it was okay. But after a while my back hurt (so much for ignoring my physical self). The constant whir of the fan would invade my thoughts and I could almost feel the vibrations of all the sounds around me. That night I lasted about 15 minutes.
Once again, I sit on my bed. I make myself as comfortable as possible and let my head drop. Deep breaths would soon follow. I let my mind wander, hoping it would come back on it’s own and equate my mantra to “It’s alright.” But yet I was still not as focused as I would like to be. I could feel the glare of the television but didn’t want to sit in the dark. The door closes. Even with my husband being quiet as a mouse, I become antsy. After a while, I give up.
Choosing a different location in my bedroom, I sit cross-legged in the bedroom closet with my eyes closed. My mantra becomes “Out with the bad, in with the good”. I repeat the good vs bad until only the good things come to mind. It is now easier to focus, time not a priority. I enter a dream like state with a woman telling me I am worth it and my family loves me. There is no face to this woman. I keep telling myself that yes I do deserve the best and that I am worth it. The woman finally envelops me in a hug. I start to cry . It all feels very natural and unforced. I take away from that night that I have to make myself a priority.
Today I lay on my belly with head on my hands. I first breathe in and out through my nose, then my mouth. My dachshund Oscar follows me into the closet and lays next to me. I begin with “In with the good, out with the bad.” I try to focus which only backfires on me. Too many thoughts try to take over. I eventually turn over onto my back and scratch Oscar’s back. It feels good to have my puppy next to me and calms me more than the meditation.
*At a point I realize that the nights I don’t feel like doing it are the nights I need it the most. I need to take myself off the roller coaster and breathe. What can be done at that moment can wait. And that I am worth it.
I am getting ready for the day and trying not to think about that I am having a “Where’s the local orphanage drop-off for my kids?” kind of day. The kids won’t stop screaming. I automatically start focusing on breathing and “In with the good (nose), out with the bad (mouth)”. I keep repeating until it curbs my urge to scream.
My thoughts after the five day process:
Will I meditate consistently? Probably not. Am I even meditating? For now I have my own version but I am not going to stop working towards improving. Because I need it and I am worth it. And not to go all Tony Robbins on you, my reader, but you are too. So all together now….